Being a ‘queer’ woman married to a straight man made Ispy invisible in a heteronormative world.
It took her gay identity away and made it very difficult for her to be her authentic self for many years. Ispy did identify as bisexual, though she struggles with labelling something that she believes falls into a spectrum, is fluid, ever changing and influenced by many variables. Additionally, ‘bisexuality’ suggests that there are only two genders; something she doesn’t agree with. Many bisexual people are attracted to people from across the gender spectrum and may use the term synonymously with pansexual.
Another bone of contention for Ispy is that when discussing sexuality people focus too heavily on the ‘sex’ element of human relationships. There is so much more to it than that. A connection in a romantic relationship goes way beyond the physical and is, or can be, felt on an emotional and, possibly, spiritual level too. In some ways the term demisexual better describes Ispy’s sexuality in that the emotional connection for her is incredibly important within an intimate relationship.
There are a lot of myths around bisexuality. There is a misconception that people attracted to others from multiple genders are somehow promiscuous, highly sexed or confused. None of these are any truer of bisexuals than they are of any other individual regardless of their sexuality.
Biphobia and bidenial are a real issue among both straight and gay communities. Many people just don’t understand how someone could be attracted to another person irrespective of their gender or gender identity. People who form romantic and intimate connections with people across the gender spectrum are often treated with suspicion and sometimes hostility from many.
There are so many elements of human experience that contribute to the development of an intimate relationship. Not least the situation they find themselves living in and the pressure to conform.
Having initially ‘come out’ as bi when she was 25 years old and single, she later dated and married a man who became the father of her daughter. During this time no one would have ever suspected that she was not straight. The nature of marriage being that it is intended to last forever meant it seemed there was little point explaining otherwise, given that she was not seeking another relationship anyway. Instead, she became a visible and active ally, challenging homophobia and trying to educate and inform others. You could argue that she became part of the bi-invisibility problem, denying her own identity to fit in and be accepted by those around her.
18 years of marriage ended, and this meant that Ispy was back on the dating scene, the difference being now that she did not feel compelled to date men. In fact, Ispy was only interested in meeting women, demonstrating how sexuality is fluid and not static. So, there she was at age 50 realising that she was going to have to come out … again!
Ispy started telling friends and family who weren’t already aware, choosing to do this on a one-to-one basis for the most part. Exclusively every single person she told was supportive, including her daughter and ex-husband.
Ispy joined some LGBT groups for support, became a volunteer at Manchester Pride, joined the Manchester Proud Chorus and began to feel a sense of belonging that she had been missing for a long time.
It was the first time she’d been able to do this. Imagine being a woman married to a man and walking into a gay space… Anyone in the same situation will be well aware that being married to someone of the opposite cis-gender basically ‘takes your gay away’. Many LGBT groups aim for inclusivity, but its still difficult for bisexual people to feel safe.
Ispy hopes that she can challenge biphobia and support bi-visibility. She wants to demonstrate that sexuality is just another spectrum in the amazing technicolour world of human experience.
The universe is full of rainbows… letting go of shame and coming out with pride, for Ispy, is like reaching the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Ispy has included some interesting links to some additional reading about the effects of bi-phobia:
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/about-us/news/why-do-we-need-bi-visibility-day
https://theconversation.com/marriage-could-be-good-for-your-health-unless-youre-bisexual-121865
https://www.stonewall.org.uk/system/files/lgbt_in_britain_bi.pdf
IspyDystopia 