Ispy has had a week of mixed emotions. The most overwhelming being an intense sadness and with it feelings of angst and agitation that have been difficult to place.
That was until in bed on Sunday morning Ispy’s daughter commented “A year ago today since the day of the long walk” And there it was, like a slap in the face, a cold shower, an electric shock …
The day of the long walk could conjure up any number of images and memories; could be a metaphor for a myriad of things. Of its self, it is neither a negative or a positive sentence. For Ispy and her girl though, it triggers powerful memories of a very significant day in their lives.
A year ago today was the day that Ispy packed up a picnic, planned a route, woke up the family, made breakfast and left the house with husband, child and dog. Twenty minutes into the walk something snapped. That is the only way Ispy can describe it. One minute the mood was light, happy and in keeping with the sunny spring day. Then, one comment from the child in response to the husbands statement about his place in the single file line, snowballed into an aggressive and violent response from him.
So vehement was his anger towards the child he uttered such things as “you little bitch” “I don’t even like you, in fact I fucking hate you”. So twisted were his features as he spat this into her face with his finger millimeters from her nose that the ugliness will be forever imprinted in Ispy’s memory. Fearful for her child’s safety Ispy stood between them to create a physical barrier. Begged him to stop. Begged him to remember that at 15 the child was exactly that, a child. Begged him to remember that he was the adult, the father, the protector. It escalated. A bag was thrown. The husband stormed off. The child broke down begging for forgiveness from her abuser.
And this is when it happened. Something in Ispy snapped. A realisation that what was being played out before her eyes was exactly what had been playing out before her child’s eyes for 15 years. Make. It. Stop.
Ispy turned, told the husband to go. Took her child in her arms and held her. Told her she must never ask for forgiveness for being abused in this way. No one deserves to be treated this way. This wasn’t the first time. It was the first time Ispy recognised it. It was the worst time.
“Go” she said to the husband, “Just go, I don’t want to be near you right now”
Did he go? Did he fuck…
“Oh you would fucking love that wouldn’t you? Not getting rid of me that easily”
Then the pseudo remorse came. The empty sentiment of a sorry uttered so often it holds no meaning whatsoever. What happened next? The bag was retrieved and the family proceeded to take that long walk. But now the day of the long walk did become a metaphor for the 6 month journey that lead Ispy to have the confidence and the self belief to end the marriage. Ispy is not proud that she did not end it on that day. That is what she should have done. But anyone who has been in a similar relationship will understand that life is not so simple. What Ispy did differently from that day is how she protected the child. How she wrapped the child in the security blanket of a maternal love that would give her the strength and confidence to support her mother when the day came to tell the husband that she could and would not live like this any longer.
The day of the long walk is significant. It signifies the beginning of the end and the beginning of a new start.
IspyDystopia 